Tag Archives: Humor

My Interview with C.H.I.C.K.E.N.

Writing a blog isn’t all bacon and Rule 5 posts. To get the great stories you have to dig deep. This post is a great example. Through exhaustive research and dogged determination I managed to track down the elusive J. Edward Farquar, owner and operator of the Clueless Hack’s Interstate Cottage Key Exchange Network, or CHICKEN. Here is the rush transcript of that interview.

Marylin on PhonesThank you for calling the Clueless Hack’s Interstate Cottage Key Exchange Network. How may I direct your call?

ReporterYes. This is Jim from bRight & Early Blog. I’d like to talk to J. Edward Farquar. I understand that he is the head of CHICKEN. Is that right?

Marylin on PhonesThat’s correct. Not only is he the head of CHICKEN, he’s also the founder and COO. Let me see if he’s available. Hold please.

Mr. Farquar? I have some blogger on line two that want’s to talk to you.

J. Edward FarquarAnother one? I bet he’s one of those TEA-Bloggers too. Whatever. Hey babe, get me another cup of coffee, would ya?

Marylin on PhonesGet your own damn coffee — babe. When we get home, you’re giving me a foot massage, and don’t forget to take out the trash. Daddy told me not to marry a bum like you. Try to prove him wrong for once.

J. Edward FarquarWhatever you say, doll. Put him through.

Marylin on PhonesThank you for holding. I have Mr. Farquar on the line. [yelling] Eddie, pick up line two, you moron!

J. Edward FarquarJ. Edward Farquar here. Good to talk to you Jack. I read Light & Surly all the time. What can I do for you?

ReporterUh. It’s Jim, and that’s bRight & Early.

J. Edward FarquarWhatever. Listen Joe, I’m a busy man. Business is better than it’s ever been, so I can only give you a few minutes. I’ve gotta ton of deals to make, ya know?

ReporterIt’s Ji…never mind. Mr. Farquar, why don’t we start by having you tell just what it is that you do here at CHICKEN.

J. Edward FarquarWell, Skippy, the Clueless Hack’s Interstate Cottage Key Exchange Network is a way for members from one state legislature to trade housing with members from another state when they just have to “get away”, if you know what I mean. After all, hiding out, er, I mean, spending quality time in another state can get expensive if you’re staying in some five star resort. Hell, even if you’re staying at a Holiday Inn Express, although I haven’t seen any evidence of those kind of smarts in my clients. Don’t print that last part. Anyhow, what we do is arrange for legislators from one state to trade houses with legislators from another state. Saves a bunch of money when you can’t go home to pick up your pay check.

ReporterI see. So tell me, what is your background and how did you come to start CHICKEN?

J. Edward FarquarWell, Sparky, I spent a number of years working for WITSEC. That really gave me the background to start this business. You know, phony names, cover stories, anonymity, the whole nine yards. I mean, these guys don’t exactly want to be found while they’re in hiding, umm I mean on an out-of-state caucus junket. Anyhow, I saw a need and I filled it. American free enterprise at it’s best. Hey, it pays the bills.

ReporterI see. So, what has caused your business to take off like it has?

J. Edward FarquarA combination of things, really. Of course the big thing was the 2010 elections. Made my base anxious to get away it seems. And I don’t know how this happened, but somehow a bunch of politicians got a backbone transplant, or something. Suddenly, I’m in demand! God Bless the TEA Party, that’s what I say. I was gonna have to get a bailout of my own if the RINOs were still around.

Marylin on PhonesExcuse me. Eddie? The Ohio delegation is on hold.

J. Edward FarquarSorry, Barney, I’ve gotta wrap this up. Gotta make hay while the sun shines, you know. I have a feeling that business is going to tank after 2012. Tell all your readers at Slightly Burly that J. Edward Farquar says, “Hey”. [yelling]Sweet cheeks, tell Ohio I can get ‘em a deal on Indiana, and where is my coffee?

Marylin on PhonesTell them yourself, and you are not going to like where I pour that coffee, “sweet cheeks”.

Well, there you have it, and American success story even in this tough economy.

How The Left Sees Independence

Several days ago President Obama indulged in a bit of creative editing when quoting the Declaration of Independence. The media pursued the omission with their typical vigor. In other words, they ignored it completely. Well how is the President supposed to get his message across if the fourth branch of government doesn’t help?

The bit of editing President Obama indulged in didn’t go nearly as far afield as the left would like, so I’m here to help. Here is the portion of the Declaration as I believe the Left would edit it.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created [If we're going to remove "their Creator" we have to remove this icky word.] equal, that they are endowed by their Creator [No way we can leave this in there.] with certain unalienable [If people knew that unalienable means, "Not to be separated, given away, or taken away" they might try to hold us to that "Living Document".] rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness [We can't limit happiness. It's the job of the government to insure that everyone is equally miserable so that everyone is equally happy.]. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers ability to rule from the consent of the governed elite who know best [What an odd idea, that "the governed" know how to run their own lives.]. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, fails to meet the needs of “The State”, the ruling class can and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness the greater good [The elite know best, therefore it is the elite who should make these decisions. Leaving such power in the hands of the unwashed masses won't bring about the Utopia we know is right around the corner.]. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. In fact, we’re counting on that. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism things don’t go quite right, as they invariably will not, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security to ignore all that and let “us” do what is best for them. ["throw off such government"? We can't allow that! They might start thinking that it's their country, and that they know best how to run their own lives. That's just madness!]

Yes, this is humor. But, am I wrong?

Lunchtime List & Lass – 13

As I have mentioned before, it is a really interesting time at work. Well, today is going to be very interesting. The company is changing the structure of my department. Our current team of two (hey, for years it was just me) is going to become two teams, and the team I’m being slated for will expand to six or seven. This afternoon I have an interview to be considered for the job of managing that part of our business.

Being the computer savvy blogger that I am, I ventured off into the internet to make sure I knew what not to say during the interview. I found a few sources from which I’ve culled a few of the best suggestions. Let me share them with you.

  • [Winking] “Golly, I have no idea how that ten dollar bill just appeared on your desk.”
  • “Just out of curiosity, how long do you caché visited websites?”
  • “Let’s try that again, and this time shake my hand like you’ve got a pair.”
  • “What is two weeks’ notice? I’ve never quit a job before, I’ve always been fired.”
  • “I saw the job posted on Twitter and thought, why not?”
  • “When you do background checks on candidates, do things like public drunkenness arrests come up?”
  • “Do I have any questions? Why, yes I do. What in the hell is this Microsoft Word everyone keeps talking about?”
  • “Think of me as the Hamburger Helper to your skillet of ground workload.”
  • “Well my best example would be in the world of online video gaming. I pretty much run the show; it takes a lot to do that.”
  • “Let’s just cut straight to the chase: who and where is the office slut?”
  • “I don’t like to brag about competitive offers, but let’s just say I’ve had some interest from a company that rhymes with Flurger Cling.”
  • “Each of my personalities will require its own compensation package.”
  • “I get angry easily and I went to jail for domestic violence. But I won’t get mad at you.”
  • “I’ve yet to encounter an employee dispute that can’t be resolved with a tickle fight.”
  • “Full disclosure: I have a hamster. Will my workspace be Habitrail-friendly?”
  • (reaching in pocket) “Slice of bacon?”

There’s one more that I’ll really have to avoid: “Is it cool if I live-blog this interview?”

So, I’ll be doing the interview about an hour after this posts. I guess I should also avoid asking if I could do my interview with today’s lass Jenna Fischer instead of some dude.

Jenna Fischer

Of course there’s more.

Who Knew?

Lunch LadyI remember the school lunch fare when I was growing up to be pretty bland and sadly predictable. Every Friday we had fish sticks. But as bad as those school lunches were (a sandwich and thermos of milk from home were much preferred) I didn’t realize they could be a threat to national security.

A new report being released Tuesday says more than 9 million young adults, or 27 percent of all Americans ages 17 to 24, are too overweight to join the military. Now, the officers are advocating for passage of a wide-ranging nutrition bill that aims to make the nation’s school lunches healthier.

The officers’ group, Mission: Readiness, was appearing on Capitol Hill on Tuesday with Sen. Richard Lugar, R-Ind., and Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack.

The military group acknowledges that other things keep young adults out of the armed services, such as a criminal record or the lack of a high school diploma. But weight problems that have worsened over the past 15 years are now the leading medical reason that recruits are rejected.

Back in my school days we had the answer. Feed this stuff to the enemy.

Our New Business Model

While two intrepid investigative reporters, ingeniously disguised as DC socialites, crashed a White House party they found this document underneath some arugula leaves in a kitchen trash can.

MEMO

FROM: Management
TO: All Offices and Personnel
RE: Our New Business Model

I am sending this out to our entire team to outline and explain our newly developed business model that will guide us in the new year. We are encouraged by the unprecedented demand for our products and services. It is that high demand, coupled with current, on-going economic conditions, that is driving this directive.

We have listened to our managers and others “in the field” and developed the following:

  • Extreme high demand is causing us to increase staffing dramatically. Although our regional managers and Senior Vice Presidents saw a need for higher numbers, we are pleased to announce that we will be hiring 30,000 new workers early in the year.
  • Experts tell us that aggressive advertising forces our competition to do the same thing, so we will keep our advertising to a minimum. We are confident our competitors will do the same.
  • While the 30,000 new hires are nearly half again our current workforce, we can not sustain that number indefinitely. We need to prepare to ramp down operations and start reducing staffing by the start of Q3 2011.
  • It has always been our goal to transfer operations to the local team. On our new, accelerated schedule we will do that no matter how prepared they are to take on the new role. We are sure that our competition will respect the fact that our local team may be under prepared for the task, and will do nothing to interfere with our local partners or customer base.

This program is designed to satisfy our core stock holders as well as the minority share holders. The suggestion that it satisfies neither, and possibly angers both, is immaterial. Our consultants, and even our competitors, have said that this is the best plan.

We are trying to determine what company produced this document. Any ideas?

Selective Reading

Did you ever read a story or blog post and think, “I hope _______ reads this.” I know that I do. However, I noticed a story this morning that brings out some mixed emotions. While there are some that I wouldn’t mind reading this news release, there are others I hope will never see it.

The article in question?

Raelians’ to Stage Second Annual ‘Go-Topless Day’ Protest

For the second consecutive year, U.S.-based GoTopless.org plans to stage a national Go-Topless Day protest in late August to proclaim women’s constitutional right to go bare-chested in public. In cities where it’s already legal for women to show breasts in public, GoTopless will encourage them to exercise that right.

I know that some guys are thinking, “What a great idea”, but let’s think this through.

Elisha Cuthbert

Elisha Cuthbert

Good Idea.

Helen Thomas

Helen Thomas

Bad Idea.

Moon Bloodgood

Moon Bloodgood

Good Idea.

Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton

Bad Idea.

Remember, not every idea is as good as it looks on the surface.

Is This The Comparison You Wanted To Make?

a⋅nal⋅o⋅gy

–noun

1. a similarity between like features of two things, on which a comparison may be based.

5. Logic. a form of reasoning in which one thing is inferred to be similar to another thing in a certain respect, on the basis of the known similarity between the things in other respects.

DrPostalCarrier

“I mean, if you think about — if you think about it, UPS and FedEx are doing just fine, right? No, they are. It’s the Post Office that’s always having problems.”

Such was the analogy President Obama used to tout the health control bill being debated in congress.

Really?

Really.

Yeah. Could I get colonoscopy and a book of those new “I Love Lucy” stamps?

analogy. Dictionary.com. Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/analogy (accessed: August 11, 2009).