While two intrepid investigative reporters, ingeniously disguised as DC socialites, crashed a White House party they found this document underneath some arugula leaves in a kitchen trash can.

MEMO

FROM: Management
TO: All Offices and Personnel
RE: Our New Business Model

I am sending this out to our entire team to outline and explain our newly developed business model that will guide us in the new year. We are encouraged by the unprecedented demand for our products and services. It is that high demand, coupled with current, on-going economic conditions, that is driving this directive.

We have listened to our managers and others “in the field” and developed the following:

• Extreme high demand is causing us to increase staffing dramatically. Although our regional managers and Senior Vice Presidents saw a need for higher numbers, we are pleased to announce that we will be hiring 30,000 new workers early in the year.
• Experts tell us that aggressive advertising forces our competition to do the same thing, so we will keep our advertising to a minimum. We are confident our competitors will do the same.
• While the 30,000 new hires are nearly half again our current workforce, we can not sustain that number indefinitely. We need to prepare to ramp down operations and start reducing staffing by the start of Q3 2011.
• It has always been our goal to transfer operations to the local team. On our new, accelerated schedule we will do that no matter how prepared they are to take on the new role. We are sure that our competition will respect the fact that our local team may be under prepared for the task, and will do nothing to interfere with our local partners or customer base.

This program is designed to satisfy our core stock holders as well as the minority share holders. The suggestion that it satisfies neither, and possibly angers both, is immaterial. Our consultants, and even our competitors, have said that this is the best plan.

We are trying to determine what company produced this document. Any ideas?

I guess you can get things wrong if you only read the headline: U.S. hails resignation of Kenya anti-graft chief

Reading birther sites can get you call confused.

Did you ever read a story or blog post and think, “I hope _______ reads this.” I know that I do. However, I noticed a story this morning that brings out some mixed emotions. While there are some that I wouldn’t mind reading this news release, there are others I hope will never see it.

The article in question?

Raelians’ to Stage Second Annual ‘Go-Topless Day’ Protest

For the second consecutive year, U.S.-based GoTopless.org plans to stage a national Go-Topless Day protest in late August to proclaim women’s constitutional right to go bare-chested in public. In cities where it’s already legal for women to show breasts in public, GoTopless will encourage them to exercise that right.

I know that some guys are thinking, “What a great idea”, but let’s think this through.

Elisha Cuthbert

Helen Thomas

Moon Bloodgood

Hillary Clinton

Remember, not every idea is as good as it looks on the surface.

a⋅nal⋅o⋅gy

–noun

1. a similarity between like features of two things, on which a comparison may be based.

5. Logic. a form of reasoning in which one thing is inferred to be similar to another thing in a certain respect, on the basis of the known similarity between the things in other respects.

“I mean, if you think about — if you think about it, UPS and FedEx are doing just fine, right? No, they are. It’s the Post Office that’s always having problems.”

Such was the analogy President Obama used to tout the health control bill being debated in congress.

Really?

Really.

Yeah. Could I get colonoscopy and a book of those new “I Love Lucy” stamps?

analogy. Dictionary.com. Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/analogy (accessed: August 11, 2009).

This video comes to us via Dave in Texas at AoSHQ

Rep. Joe Wilson introduced an amendment, “requiring Congresspersons who vote for public plan to have to enroll in it.” (via twitter @CongJoeWilson) Call your Rep. and INSIST they keep that in. That’ll sink this bill faster than anything.

President Obama and the Democratic Congress are so excited about the Cash for Clunkers program that they have decided to go after an even more insidious greenhouse gas producer, Volcanoes. Lost between Mark “No Future in Politics” Sanford’s presser and the All Barack Chanel infomercial was this announcement from the White House:

Click for larger image

The stunning pictures of Sarychev Peak taken by the ISS have inspired the President to ask Congress for legislation that will allow the world to trade in their old, high CO2 emitting volcanoes for newer, more eco-friendly models.

Not only will this help stem the crisis of global warming, but it will also save or create nearly 100,000 jobs. A third of those jobs will be dedicated to creating a new, greener volcano. Another third will try to figure out what to do with all the older model spewers, while the final third will go to ACORN to register democrat voters who will allow us to continue this silliness.

The basics of the program are this:

• If you have an active volcano that you want to trade you can submit your application at Kash4Krakatoa.gov
• If you purchase a volcano that emits 10% less CO2 you will receive a gift-card from Volcano Depot in the amount of $1,000,000.00
• Trading in your spewer for a model with 20% less gaseous eruptions will earn you a $2 million dollar card, and for any trade in the exceeds 30% you will get a cool (hehe, we have a sense of humor) Billion dollars.
• In addition, for any trade in you will also get a copy of An Inconvenient Truth autographed by High Priest Algore.

If this program is as successful as we anticipate we will be looking into developing a Septillion for Sunspots program that will really get to the heart of the matter while also achieving our ultimate goal of making the dollar worth about $0.00001

(h/t Mike’s America at Flopping Aces)

Pulling out the crystal ball, I predict a road trip for Wyatt in the very near future.

Police say a truck carrying 40,000 pounds of beer overturned in Vermont and closed a highway for several hours.

[...]

Travis Greeno, assistant chief of the Swanton Fire Department, says the truck had to be offloaded before it was pulled out of the ditch. He said it was “going to be a long day.”

Found at Gordon Cafe via my feed reader.

A Woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

“Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

“She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be an Obama Democrat.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”

(h/t Concerned Citizen who is ConservaTeacher on Twitter)

100 Post Marathon #38

How awful that the scourge of Dihydrogen Monoxide is still so widely used and available. Where do I sign?

I love it.

(h/t: Moonbattery)

If you can…

To learn more about the 100 Post Marathon read here and especially here.

Social networking phenomenon “Twitter” is announcing that limits are going to be imposed on the number of “Tweets” it’s users will be able to send.

“Under our new policy there will be limits imposed on the number of tweets that can be sent.” the spokesman remarked.

A company release listed the following:

• No more than one tweet every five minutes.
• No more than 140 tweets in a 24 hour period.
• A monthly limit equal to five times the number of followers a user has obtained.

Additional policy changes include increasing the character count to 142 per update and the ability to purchase “Tweet Bills” that will allow users to post outside the new limits.

“Tweet Bills can be purchased for $4.01 for 100 tweets and can be used to override any of the new limits. The purchased tweets will roll over and never expire.”

While many Twitter users are upset with the new model, a few have had good things to say. One anonymous tweeter commented, “Maybe some of the people I follow will finally understand that I don’t want to hear what they’re having for breakfast.”

Opponents to the new policy contend that the limits fly in the face of the true purpose of Twitter. “I #hope the #company #leadership takes another look @ this #policy.” said one tweet. Another opined, “We need to #stopthemadness now. I won’t be able to afford enough #tweetbucks. Please RT.”

Of course most tweeters will just wish each other a “Happy April Fools Day.”

Sphere: Related Content

It’s been over a year since I’ve had a problem with stories getting mixed up. These two are really a mess.

The Obama administration on Monday offered a raft of incentives for private investors to help rid banks of up to $1 trillion in toxic assets that plunged the world economy into crisis.

As part of Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month, Americans are being urged to schedule a colonoscopy to check for this common and highly preventable type of cancer.

But many people are too nervous or scared to have the important screening test, which is recommended if you’re age 50 or older or have a family history of colorectal cancer.

President Barack Obama said the plan was critical to a U.S. economic recovery, but added, “We still have a long way to go and we have a lot of work to do.”

The most difficult part of the procedure may be the preparation, when patients take a laxative pill or drink to “flush” the colon. This is necessary to make sure the colon is as clean as possible so that the doctor gets the best possible view of the colon.

Public fury over big bonus paid to executives at bailout recipient American International Group has made some investors wary of partnering with the government. But some of the world’s most powerful investors said the plan could work and indicated interest in participating.

The colonoscopy exam itself is probably the easiest part. “The patient is awake, but with sedation, there’s little or no discomfort. Many patients have told me it wasn’t nearly as scary as they expected,” Burleson said.

In an effort to spur participation, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said private investors will not face executive pay restrictions.

The plan is the latest step in a series of aggressive actions to restore credit flows and combat a virulent recession. Less than a week ago, the Fed ramped up its efforts, vowing to pump an additional $1.15 trillion into the economy.

During the procedure, a long, flexible tube with a tiny video camera is inserted into the colon. The camera sends images to a monitor viewed by the doctor. The images can be printed and stored in a computer.

Geithner said investors will set the price for toxic assets through the degree of interest they show in buying them, sparing the government from having to make that decision.

Well that’s just unpleasant. I need to get this straightened out.