The Troll — Everyone knows this guy (and it’s usually a guy), who intentionally visits sites in order to stir things up, provoke a furious reaction from other posters, then disappear. Classic examples are the Free Republic types who visit Daily Kos and vice versa.
The Droll – The mainstay of all fun sites, this poster regularly tosses out clever comments, plays of words, one-liners, amusing pictures. There’s a lot of these characters on places like Fark.com
The Relentless Pol – Posters who can’t join any discussion without immediately using it to make a political point, i.e., “The current lack of sunspots is the direct result of the Bush Administration’s failed policies.”
The Skimmer – The commenter, usually sour, who reads only a headline or sentence of a piece, draws exactly the wrong conclusion, and then embarks on an embarrassing rant.
The Trimmer – A commenter who initially stakes a strong position, and then under withering attack from other commenters, slowly backs off until he or she has completely abandoned that original position.
The Angry Man – We all know this guy. His solution for almost any problem in the world is the summary execution, in as grisly a manner as possible, of every possible perpetrator.
The Dismisser — The ultimate arrogant commenter, this person never actually engages with the topic, but merely declares it beneath anyone’s interest, already resolved, or improperly stated – and thus hardly worth the bother. The Dismisser’s only real message is: I’m smarter than you and you need to acknowledge that fact.
The Butt-Kisser – Famous writers and bloggers get this one. It’s the poster who just can’t say enough about how brilliant was that last entry, how they wish they could say it half as good, etc. My assumption is that these folks are angling for some kind of personal relationship with the writer.
The Kumbaya – These folks always show up two-thirds the way through any heated on-line debate and asks “Why can’t we all just get along?” They are inevitably ignored or trashed.
The Parser – What would we do without the Internet Grammar Police? These folks assiduously correct the online writings of others – never quite catching on that the Web is designed to be fast, fresh and sloppy.
The Pretender – Everybody is a pretender on the Web – on the Internet, no one knows you’re a dog, as the New Yorker cartoon said. Look at all of those made-up names and sexy icons. But some people just take it to pathological extremes. If the real world actually had that many war heroes, beauty contest winners, Mensa members and Olympic lovers, it would be a very different place.
The Defender – Bloggers love these guys. When you are getting hammered by other posters, this is the guy who watches your back, supports you, and tells your enemies off. . .and does a better job of it than your real-life friends.
The Perv – These guys show up a lot on celebrity sites, announcing some really disgusting thing they’d like to do that famous figure . . .and of course will never get the chance to, thanks to stalker laws, restraining orders, and the fact they have no driver’s license. It’s a toss-up in my mind whether the Web is a good outlet for these guys, or the platform they’ve always dreamed of.
The Slut – The best thing about slut commenters (”What’s wrong with having sex with your best friend’s dad?”) is that they don’t know they’re sluts . . .until 800 other posters happily point it out to them.
The Boaster – Few of us have ever driven a Lamborghini at 190 miles per hour. But this guy has. And can bench press 350 pounds. And dated Jessica Alba in high school. And . . .
The Tough Guy – Remember the kid who talked tough, then ran off when confronted? The Internet is filled with these clowns, all secure in the knowledge that they will never be called to account.
The Pwn3R – Most people are lucky to come up with a truly brilliant and devastating comeback a couple times in their lives. But the Web, thanks to its unique characteristics, has bred a population of posters who regularly drop verbal and visual bombs on unsuspecting recipients (like The Boaster and the Tough Guy) that are so devastating that the victims can only slink off and be grateful for their anonymity. I don’t know who these men and women are, but I both worship and fear them.
The Lecturer – This is the buzzkill pedant who feels the need, even in a casual, light comments section to post a 1,000 word exegesis on what everyone should be talking about. Hey, thanks pal!
The Illiterate – The blogosphere is still mostly a written medium – so it’s always bizarre to encounter (in about one out of a hundred comments) that poster whose spelling and grammar are so awful that you hope that they are just some drunk pounding on a Blackberry.
The Unacknowledged Expert – A version of the Lecturer, this is the undoubtedly insufficiently credentialed poster who feels the need to systematically point out how stupid everyone else is in order to prove how brilliant they are. I always picture these guys as the frustrated adult result of smart kids who didn’t listen to their high school guidance counselors.
The Mystery Genius – These folks are just the opposite of unacknowledged experts. Whoever they are, they post comments that are so shockingly clever or brilliant that you are left wondering who they are: Slumming Nobel Laureates? Bored nobility? The first glimpse of the Internet gaining consciousness?
The Confessor – You’re going along, casually reading some comment stream . . .and suddenly you are taken up short by a poster who, for some unknown reason, feels compelled to make some stunning confession – “and that’s why I buried the drifter in my crawl space” – and then disappears. These are some of the most disturbing comments on the Web.
The Tomboy – Every geek’s dream girl. These women show up on sites frequented mostly by young men and instead of professing shock at the proceedings, actually raise the stakes: “Well I happen to like playing World of Warcraft all weekend in my underwear and only eating Doritos and Top Ramen . . .”
The Handyman – This poster is basically Dad in disguise. Someone mentions a mechanical or computer problem as an aside, and this poster instantly has the solution – the wrong jets in your carburetor, a poor ground on your toaster, insufficient cache memory. Whatever it is, they’ve got the answer.
The Alien – This is a poster from another country who has no context for what every commenter is talking about, and so asserts his or her own cultural solution: “Why this complain about wife? Sell gotes and buy more wifes!”
The Martian – Finally, these are the commentators whose combination of pretzel logic, conspiratorial tone, and downright weirdness – “Well, we all know the Pope is behind that big lake of fire at the South Pole, don’t we?” – reminds you that the world is an even scarier place than we imagine, and makes you wonder if this writing for the Internet gig is such a good idea after all.
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