You! – Read This Post!

Forget going to the bathroom, eating, or sleeping. Be prepared to torture your neighbors, family, and co-workers. Your car better be gassed up and your cell phone fully charged, because today is Talk Like Jack Bauer Day.

Look, we don’t have much time. Here’s what you do:

At Home
When getting the kids up for school try yelling (even more than usual) and saying things like, “You WILL eat this eggo and drink your milk. I don’t care that you’re lactose intolerant.” Or, “You call this a science project? Where are the explosions, the destruction?” If there are more than two kids accuse one of them of being the mole.

Going to Work
Don’t talk, yell into your cell phone. Phrases like, “I need that information NOW!” and “Don’t worry about what I’m doing” are appropriate. If you car-pool just shout out, “get down!” at random. Getting to work should not take more than three minutes no matter how far away you are.

At Work
This is where it gets really fun. Tie a co-worker to a chair, the really annoying one with the squeak and the one flat wheel. Get a fresh piece of copy paper and inflict a paper cut. Tell them, “You’re probably thinking it’s just one paper cut. You’ve had them before and survived. But what if I give you a second one, and a third. What are you going to do then? I can do this for as long as it takes.”

When talking to the boss be polite, correct, and deferential, but do it with a sneer and tone that clearly indicates that you think they are an idiot and wrong on every issue. Wait, you probably are doing that one every day.

Back at Home
While the family is eating dinner, you look out the windows and shout, “They’ll be here any minute,” or “Where’s that chopper, dammit!” Later, get on the computer and say, “I need you to open a socket,” and “I need those plans NOW!” This is particularly effective if you don’t have a mic hooked up to your system.

Later tonight, when the Mrs. comes into the bedroom wearing her most seductive night gown and is looking at you like Edgar used to look at Dunkin Donuts, tell her, “I don’t have time. . .” Ah, what the hell. It’s quarter to twelve. That’s close enough. No sense in being stupid.

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