Good morning everyone and welcome to bRight & Early coverage of the race. No, not La Raza, the presidential race.

And here to do today’s play by play, bR&E special corespondents Darell Waltrip and Larry McReynolds.

Boogity Boogity Boogity! Let’s go racin’ boys!

Uh, DW. You can’t say “boys”. For two reasons, really. One, McCain hasn’t been a boy since Junior Johnson was running moonshine. Two, uh, well, Obama told me earlier this week down in the garage area that using the term “boys” was a distraction.

Well what am I supposed to say? Boogity Boogity Boogity! Let’s go racin’ gentlemen?

Well, no. Even though they’re the only two contenders left in the race, I’ve been told by the Clinton team that “gentleman” doesn’t cover all the gender possibilities, so we shouldn’t use it.

Well, Larry Mac. You got me hog tied.

Uh, Darrell, expressions like “hog tied” are offensive to our Muslim viewers.

Well I hope ya’ll are happy. You got me so wrapped up in all this PC garbage that the race has already started. And it looks like there’s some trouble down on the track.

You’re right, Daryl. A few of the drivers, er candidates, are having trouble maintaining race speed. Cynthia McKinney, Bob Barr, and Ralph Nader have all been rainbow flagged.

Rainbow Flagged??!? What are you talkin’ about you bald headed twerp?

Well, DW, we sure can’t say “black flagged” anymore. Be that as it may, let’s go to our pit reporter, Wendy Venturini.

Thanks, Larry, Darrell, and your other brother Daryl. I’ve always wanted to say that. Anyhow, I’ve just talked to Hillary Clinton who is, as you know, the new front tire changer on the Rezko Construction, Slick Willy Massage Parlor and Cigar Humidor, Hope and Change Prius. I have to tell you, there was something very “Marcy Park” about that last stop. Gentlemen.

Thank you, Wendy. We’ll have to see how that plays out.

They’ve waved the Al Gore green flag, and we are back to racin’. Larry, I gotta tell you, the McCain ‘58 Corvette is looking tight in the center, but real loose off.

You’re right Darrell. Just the time you think he’s got the car right he gets real loose. As a former crew chief I can tell you that a condition like that has to be fixed if he’s going to go to the winners circle. You know he’s lost some fans for that. Just about the time they get behind him, something like immigration reform or drilling in Anwar pushes him off to the left.

Yeah, yeah. We all know you used to be a crew chief. Give it a rest. Wait. There’s something happening in turn four! Let’s go to our track reporter John Roberts.

I’m not a track reporter. I’m the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

Not you, that other John Roberts. Although, I can never tell the two of you apart.

I think you mean me. Darrell, Larry, it looks like Obama is into the wall. He may have had a right front tire go down. What do you see from up there?

You’re right. I looks like it went down just as he was getting in to turn four. It couldn’t have happened at a worse spot. I haven’t seen a turn to the right like this since Michael McDowell’s qualifying run at Texas.

You’re right Darrell. As a former crew chief I can tell you that they’re going to have to hold up this race. I would say they were going to red flag it, but we’ve been told by Obama’s spotter, Jeremiah Wright, that talking about Barack and Red at the same time is a distraction they’re just not going to allow.

It looks like it’s going to take some time for them to get the debris cleared off of the track. When we come back we’ll have a green, white…

Uh…

Now what?!?

It’s not a white flag any more. White tends to make some people think about surrender and that’s a distraction. And of course there’s that whole racist thing. Now it’s a Green, Code Pink Pink, Checkered finish.

You’ve gotta be $h!t!ng me! Well this has sure turned into one crap hole of a race. We’ll be back later.

You never got to my report on the shiver that runs up my leg when I see the Holy One race!

Shut up, Mancrush. We’re off the air. Besides, there’s lots of racin’ still left.

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Tags: 2008, Barack Obama, Chris Matthews, Daryl Waltrip, Humor, John McCain, John Roberts, Larry McReynolds, Wendy Venturini